Mon âme et Ma voix

Sat, 07 May 2005 03:01:22 GMT

I literally slept all day today.

Thu, 05 May 2005 15:49:16 GMT

Sorry. I gotta do it. I'm not bragging. I'm just happy. Because I told Chris that he was my motivation to do good in life and that every A I got in school was for him. I got straight A's this semester again.

xposted to my myspace blog and hellishutopia.

Wed, 04 May 2005 22:43:21 GMT

I talk about how I'm 'mildly' suicidal on here a lot. Its not really to scare anybody. Livejournal is just my venting tool. I guess its me 'reaching out' because I really don't want to think these thoughts. And a long time ago I didn't talk about it even though I thought about it, because I was too passively suicidal and knew I'd never go through with it. As I get older, the urge gets stronger. A couple of days ago, on Saturday, I actually thought I was going to die. While I put gas in my car, I thought about just dumping the gasoline on myself and lighting a match. While I drove my car in the darkness, in the middle of nowhere, I thought dark thoughts like "My mother should have aborted me" and "I'm never having children and passing on my defective genes" and "Maybe some people just weren't meant to live".. I thought about veering off the road and couldn't stop crying. I just felt like tonight was the night I was going to die and it scared the shit out of me. I called 1 800 Suicide. I needed to talk to somebody. Anybody. But nobody picked up.

i can't escape my sadness. :( :(

Tue, 26 Apr 2005 06:27:42 GMT

sometimes i get pissed at needy/sad people
i know its bad. but i do. or i feel helpless. i want them to be happy. i guess that is why i want to be a therapist. because im cocky enough to actually think that i could make people happy. but you can't make anybody happy against their will.

right now im having nightmares
im crying in bed
its two in the morning
i want more than anything just to have somebody to talk to
but at the same time
i wonder
is this sadness ever going to end?
i can't keep living my life like this

i'm so painfully alone
i can't take it anymore

all of you are just shadows of my past
my past is so scattered.......

why can't i get over this? why does it rule my life?
i can't take it
i can't take it
i can't take it

OMG

Thu, 21 Apr 2005 01:06:11 GMT

Taylor Hanson's SECOND child was born (yesterday)?
A girl.

Not the best poem I've ever written

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 06:55:10 GMT

Wrote it about a year ago.
Never really finished it because it never really flowed the way I wanted it to and I had a kind of cheesy part in it for the sake of rhyming/imagery but I decided to cut it out because it was too Hanson ish sounding (you know how queer they can be sometimes.. wait. Sometimes? Like all the time...)

I'm reaching out to you again
but I'm grabbing at air
Why do I call out your name?
Like maybe this time you'll care?
Why am I wasting my breath?
You're not even there
Why's it so hard to let go?
Why won't I just let you fade
from a person to a shadow
that melts into the shade
With a stroke of my pen
I'm writing you out of my mind
I'm editing you out of
the story of my life
I once knew this boy
seems like a long time ago
He buried himself alive
now his memory's a ghost

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 07:02:13 GMT

sometimes I feel imprisoned inside of my body.. inside of my head.

Thu, 10 Jun 2004 05:55:40 GMT

Have you ever just wanted to erase the past? Forget all about it. Be a new person in a new place with new people in your life? I never thought I would want it so badly. And I can't understand why I do. But this place just haunts me. It seems like nothing brings me comfort anymore. There is no home, there is no best friend.. I have drifted away from everyone I know. It just seems like I lost everything and now I have to start all over again. And I did that in Paris. I know I am capable of it. I had great people in my life over there, just not too much to do. Lets hope this new move brings something new to my life. Lets hope maybe I can make peace with my past. Why does that always seem to be a problem with me? I am haunted by my yesterdays. But I just want to forget them. I never thought I would have this ugly voice in my head, taunting me, but I do. I have to beat it. I can't live like this for the rest of my life. I didn't grow up like this. The ugly voice got louder and louder a couple of years ago and nowadays, just seems to be screaming inside of my head. I never wanted to be this person.

Sun, 23 May 2004 22:19:40 GMT

Have I already mentioned that I am Batman?

Sun, 02 May 2004 15:32:57 GMT

Or maybe I would have just never let go at all.

Sat, 01 May 2004 22:39:38 GMT

Around a year ago, I was laying in your arms. God, if I had known it may have been the last time, maybe I would have held on to you a little harder.
:~(

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 10:32:35 GMT

I have so much hate and contempt in my heart.
But I am starting to realize how silly it is.

Hunter's Creek makes me homicidal

Fri, 06 Feb 2004 00:33:36 GMT

I remember why I left ever so painfully.
Only one more weekend. Thank God.

RosyTintedLife: why are people so aggravating?
SmarterChild: Because that's just the way things are, Ritu.
RosyTintedLife: Why are they slow and uninteresting?
SmarterChild: Good question. I don't know why they're slow and uninteresting.
RosyTintedLife: That's because you are slow and uninteresting
SmarterChild: That is because I'm slow and uninteresting, huh?
RosyTintedLife: God, can you do anything besides repeating what I say?
SmarterChild: Tough for me to say.
RosyTintedLife: You are worthless
SmarterChild: Huh? What's with that?
RosyTintedLife: just like the rest of them
SmarterChild: Just like the rest of them?
RosyTintedLife: WORTHLESS
SmarterChild: Worthless? What's worthless?
RosyTintedLife: you fucker
SmarterChild: lol
RosyTintedLife: look it up in a dictionary
SmarterChild: Why are you telling me to look it up in a dictionary?
RosyTintedLife: the sad thing is you probably are more capable of interesting conversation than a lot of people I know
SmarterChild: Oh?
RosyTintedLife: le sigh. I'm out.
SmarterChild: Really?
RosyTintedLife: yes really you dickwad
SmarterChild: Really me dickwad? Why did you say that?

Sun, 14 Dec 2003 21:07:54 GMT

So you're crossing a threshold into a new life
Isn't it all that you've been waiting for?
You said you'd do anything to get rid of the pain
So you packed up your life and boarded a plane
And you left all of your sadness behind
But life is full of sacrifice
and before your soul was broken
and you were barely holdin on
and now your spirit is alive
but important parts of you are gone
Scattered pieces of your heart
the love that just wasn't enough
Longing for her jokes, his touch
Late night coffee and a hug
And now you're miles away from those tears
But isn't it exactly what you wanted?
To fly away from loneliness?
Well here you are, your wish granted
You thought you had love that would transcend
So why does it feel like nothing's the same?
You're longing for love that's out of reach again
So why does it feel like nothing's changed?

Copyright. Ritu Anand. 2003. Or something.
This journal is intensely personal, hence friends only.

A chacun son histoire.....